My Journey - The Beginning



BeautifulBrokenOstomate my journey so far,


The Beginning
6 years ago I had a life changing operation called an Ileostomy. Never would I have thought my life would change so much. I had come to a point in my life when living a normal life had became impossible. Having lived with ulcerative colitis for the past 16 years this disease had completely broken me. I had developed pancolitis which is a form of ulcerative colitis (UC) which affects the entire large intestine. It is a life-long chronic condition which cannot currently be cured and is part of a group of conditions known as inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). I had no decent life, being in and out of flares, I could no longer cope. Treatments failed and surgery was urgently needed. I hade my large colon surgically removed to eliminate the symptoms of pan-ulcerative colitis, however it didn't get rid of the disease as the surgeon didn't remove my whole rectal area. The disease returned with a vengeance and further complications started to appear.  I now would like to share my BeautifulBroken thoughts with a mission to give others a taste of what goes on in my mind.

Today I am Broken,                                                               
           but tomorrow                                                                             
                  I could become                                                        
                         someone's universe!


 I am swimming the sun is shining and I'm having a great time.
Then a wave comes and sucks me under into the darkness of the water.
No matter how hard I try to reach the surface, a new wave comes and hits me back under again, and again, and again.
I am drowning, I am suffocating and then it stops.
I don't know when the next wave are going to come and suck me straight down under.
I am suicidal but I don't want to die, I just want all of my pain to go away. 
I am nothing, I feel nothing. I am numb, not sad, not upset, I am completely void. That is the scariest as it's an overwhelming feeling of total hopelessness. 
I have lost all hope, it's gone, I just want it to stop. I don't want to be here anymore, I just can't do this anymore. 
I am strong, but strength doesn't last forever.
I am failing being me, but hopefully these feelings will pass.
I will hang on and fight for another day. 
Suicide doesn't end pain it ends life and how can someone who wants to die, still feel gratitude for being alive?
There would be no feeling of relief because there would be no ability to feel.
The pain remains, as it is transferred to the people I would leave behind.
I am telling myself over and over again that feelings are temporary and suicide is permanent and that things will improve. 
I will be ok, just not today!
Here are some useful contact numbers if you or anyone you know may be in crisis;
Samaritians – 116 123 (UK)
Papyrus – 0800 068 41 41 text 07786 209 697 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org

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